Bad Boys for Life

In the realm of cinematic regrets, wishing Michael Bay had helmed a movie is about as sure a sign that the work at hand is doomed.

Problematic as his filmmaking and decidedly male gaze may be, the guy at least has a distinct, often exhilarating style — which can’t be said of Adil (El Arbi) and Bilall (Fallah), the Belgian directorial team that takes over for Bay in the third (and by far the worst) Bad Boys installment, Bad Boys for Life.

Though the 6 Underground director shows up for a few seconds as what appears to be a wedding planner (OK…), his presence is otherwise sadly absent in the continuing adventures of Miami PD detectives Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence).

Minus the visual flair that made Bad Boys II a hyperbolic delight, the tale of escaped convict cartel queen (Kate del Castillo, The 33) and her insanely talented assassin son (Jacob Scipio, Hunter Killer) seeking revenge on the law enforcement officers who nabbed her husband plays out as simply another dull villain story.

But mothballed as their motivations are, they’re nothing compared to Bad Boys for Life’s real liabilities — Smith and Lawrence. Once two of the most energetic actors in Hollywood, the pair talk like they’re coming out of a cryogenic sleep and are still figuring out how their mouths work.

Worse, the script by newcomer Chris Bremner, Peter Craig (The Town), and Joe Carnahan (Narc) forces the longtime police partners to confront mortality and other midlife crises, thereby making them reach into their shallow acting toolboxes — an unappetizing proposition at best.

Thank goodness for the occasional Lawrence zinger adding levity to the overly serious proceedings, which receive an eye-rolling third act wrinkle when Mike suddenly remembers he has a history with the queenpin — a detail he’s known from nearly the start that conveniently bubbles up just when the plot has stalled out.

By contractual obligation, the film’s rote, predictable action sequences build to a giant rote, predictable finale, full of empty noise and carnage, plus faux elevated emotion courtesy of the overmatched leads’ alleged soul-searching, all of which sets up an idiotic yet likely angle for a fourth Bad Boys movie.

Flat as it all is, the whole shebang still has plenty of escapist potential, but Adil and Bilall either aren’t interested in that route or (more likely) are incapable of crafting scenes with a pulse. Among their sins, they even botch the series’ iconic shot of the Hollywood-esque “Miami” sign, failing to imbue the image with energy and suggesting that — as with much of Bad Boys for Life — its inclusion is merely accidental.

Grade: D. Rated R. Now playing at AMC Classic, Biltmore Grande, and Carolina Cinemark

(Photo: Ben Rothstein/Columbia Pictures)