65

What in the world is 65, so clearly a January dumping ground movie, doing on screens in March?

Other than a contractual obligation, released the same day as Scream VI and therefore destined to be buried by its more popular competition, the answer is as elusive as what attracted the usually picky Adam Driver to star in such a misguided project.

Though the Oscar-nominated performer gives his all as a space pilot who crash-lands on Earth 65 million years ago, and receives support from surprisingly impressive technical aspects (“No shaky, handheld cams were harmed in the making of this film”), minimal assistance is provided by the embarrassingly lazy script.

In addition to laughable on-screen text that wields the self-seriousness of a biblical epic’s introductory words, 65 does a poor job explaining who Driver’s Mills is and his people’s relation to Earth, then constantly introduces threats on this alien, dinosaur-filled landscape that either fail to come to fruition (Chekhov’s bog monster, anyone?) or do so in the most convenient ways possible.

And in the dynamic between Mills and tween Koa (Ariana Greenblatt, In the Heights), the ship’s only other survivor, the film resurrects the eye-rolling situation in which two people don’t share a common language, yet they act like they do and subsequent events play out like they do to the extent that one wonders if they indeed secretly do share a language. (They don’t.)

The film’s ridiculous script should put to rest the notion that writer/directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods, the scribes of A Quiet Place, don’t know what they’re doing — and that director John Krasinski was the true brains behind that generally successful horror operation.

Nevertheless, these allegedly seasoned (could have fooled me!) directors employ a few creative elements, namely a fight between Driver and a dino in a dark cave that’s depicted via hologram, projected on his multi-function machine.

But once the race against time to blast off before a meteor destroys the planet is introduced, 65 hits a new level of inanity and never recovers. While some amusement may be derived from imagining Driver’s unspoken commentary as Mills encounters quicksand and other threats on the planet — I lost count of how many times I expected him to say “Well, that’s not good!” — little actual entertainment is present onscreen, leaving the film bereft of even MST3K-style midnight movie fun.

Grade: D-plus. Rated PG-13. Now playing at AMC River Hills 10, Carolina Cinemark, and Regal Biltmore Grande.

(Photo: Sony Pictures)