Do pre-tweens need to be condescended to for entertainment? The Nickelodeon-produced theatrical film Playing With Fire answers that question with a big, Absolutely! I also readily report that the 8-year-olds (give or take a couple of years) in the audience around me laughed heartily and often at the blunt jokes employing poop, farts, geysers of water, mud and other grime, pratfalls, and the so on, none of the gags the least bit creative. But seriously, parents — and filmmakers — you can do better.

The premise is that a four-man “smoke jumping” team (US Forest Service firefighters who drop into blazes via helicopter) is stuck taking care of three children in their remote station for a weekend. After an initial forest fire sequence, their occupation ceases to have much relevance to the “four men and three kiddies” shenanigans. It’s just a disconnected series of silly situations that at no point rises to the level of adult humor.

The team leader is Jake (John Cena), and he’s got John Leguizamo and Keegan-Michael Key on his team, so you might hope for a few sparks of wit, but you will be disappointed. Key’s repeated gag is that he’s a yes man who pops into the frame like a Whac-a-Mole, while Leguizamo cooks everything with Spam. Hilarious, right? The fourth guy is a bearded giant known only as Axe (Tyler Mane), one of which he carries at all times, while grunting. And — surprise! — he’s a softie at heart.

The children are less characters than they are types: The adorable toddler girl who tames the mean firehouse dog; the 8-year-old delinquent boy who does everything he’s told not to do; and the mid-teens older sister with a secret (but no personality to speak of). They’re all rescued from a burning cabin early on, and you soon wonder whether that was the best idea.

Jake has a love-hate romance with the toad scientist (Judy Greer) down the forest road, and reuniting the couple becomes the semblance of a plot that drives the movie, along with Jake’s determination to get a coveted promotion.

Why this is a feature film instead of a TV movie isn’t clear. The writing certainly aspires to forgettable streaming fare, and the filmmaking and production values are network quality, circa 1980. Nickelodeon would have done better to hire a less-expensive cast, downsize a few of the set pieces, and make the whole thing for about a tenth of the price, direct to a video service of their choice. Perhaps there’s an economic play I’m not seeing — a secret John Cena fanclub that will snap up the Blu-ray? — but I’m neither a Nickelodeon executive nor a pre-tween, so Playing With Fire just left me bored and a little sad that Nickelodeon thinks so poorly of its audience.

Pre-tween grade: B-plus. Adult grade: F. Overall: D-plus. Rated PG. Playing at the AMC River Hills, Carolina Cinemark, and Regal Biltmore Grande.

(Photo: Paramount Pictures)